The only indication that it is Hermès is the zipper pull, meaning it was designed for reverse-label snobs like me, or it is entirely fake and the ex paid too much for it.
It’s slim, rectangular, and stupidly expensive, even on The RealReal ($895 for mostly nylon? Really?). Meanwhile, my fanny pack sisters are just there with the money and cards, and even the chattiest check-out clerk is awed into silence by our speed and efficiency.įor festive events, I use my Hermès Noir Bolide Golf Waist Bag, an old gift from a former boyfriend. That is because tote bags are black holes that the owner must slowly, painfully explore to find credit cards or cash or old bags for the new stuff. In a line at Trader Joe’s, I will scout out the people in front of me and calculate the number of them who have tote bags versus fanny packs. (This is especially important for me, since holding up a line always puts me into a flop sweat.) Fanny pack wearers are good citizens. But more importantly, with a fanny pack, what you need is always there, within reach. The thief would have to nimbly undo the belt or unzip the bag while staring you in the face. Despite its name, the fanny pack is typically slung in front and not at the rear. On a purely practical level, it’s hard to pickpocket a fanny pack. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson famously wore a leather pouch and a black turtleneck in a ’90s photo years later he posted it on Instagram, making fun of himself.Īndrea, Olivia, The Rock, and their ilk-they are not me. If this is the case, what you’re wearing magically becomes less fanny pack, more sporran, and thus indubitably hot. If you are not an Andrea (or Olivia Wilde or Kendall Jenner-fanny pack aficionados, all), maybe you are a man of the jacked-up variety, the kind who gets away with a man bun, or thinks he can. My memory for what I wore on any given day goes like this: Blah blah blah, something, something, fanny pack. My soigné friend Andrea once said: “This summer in Rome I strapped my yellow suede fanny pack around a white linen dress with gladiator sandals on one day, and an Isabel Marant blouse and Dôen high-waisted cream wide-leg trousers on another.” I’m bowled over not just by Andrea’s outfits but by her ability to remember them. It is hanging right where your pelvis is, drawing attention to the praying mantis angularity that is you.
It is a state of mind.Īre you a woman who is 6 feet tall and weighs 130 pounds? Then the fanny pack looks fantastic on you. According to the market research firm NPD, fanny pack sales grew 52 percent in 2018 (the most recent NPD data available). But they reportedly became popular in Europe when skiers realized they needed to carry supplies on their runs while their arms were fully engaged in trying not to die. įanny packs have been around since the caveman days (in 1991, a leather pouch was found on a 5,000-plus-year-old frozen human body, attached at the waist). I call it the Fanny Pack for People Who Are in Denial. This is the kind that’s sometimes called a cross-body bag because it can be slung over one’s shoulder. Yet I just bought the Wilder Ridge Bag for about $118, which is a faux-leopard-skin number that possibly holds one credit card and a Tic Tac. My Everest (roughly $8) is a classic in this genre: It has two pockets on the outside as well as a small mesh section inside, for emergency access to Starbursts. Generally, I like my fanny packs large and cheap, with a couple of sub-compartments to satisfy my organizational jones. (I know you think you’re my favorite, Rains Bum Bag, you black, rubbery, waterproof, vaguely BDSM darling. Every fanny pack is ridiculous, and every fanny pack is essential, and I love them all. People give them to me as gifts, and I treat myself to one when I feel like I deserve it. Cheap ones, expensive ones-doesn’t matter.
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